On Sunday, I had a California burrito from Nico’s for lunch. This caused the Seahawks to lose to the Rams, 12-28. I regret the error.
Allow me to explain. I’ve been eating a “Buenos Dias” breakfast burrito—eggs, chorizo, potato, cheese, and pico—from Tony’s before almost every Seahawks game this year. They are 10-0 in games that they play on days that I have eaten this breakfast burrito from Tony’s. As you can see, the causal relationship between these two things is quite clear, and is not at all irrational.
I committed this regrettable transgression with full knowledge of the consequences. I and the Seahawks can blame nothing—not the Seahawks’ failure to pressure Jared Goff, or a bad defensive game plan, a frustrating commitment to running the ball when the team was behind, or 2015-levels of bad pass protection for Russell Wilson—but my own poor choices for the loss.
On Sunday, I wondered if I might be able to appease the sports gods with an alternate kind of burrito. After all, Nico’s produces a superior burrito to Tony’s. (Sorry, Tony.) I go to Tony’s mainly out of sloth, which is to say convenience: Tony’s is closer to where I live, takes credit cards, and has a drive-thru. Nico’s has none of these things, even though it has perhaps the best California burrito in all of San Diego.*
There are some things in sports that you just don’t do. Marshawn Lynch always had Skittles before games. He knew he would play badly if he didn’t. Baseball players don’t step on the foul line on their way to and from the dugout, for fear of inevitable injury. And no one, ever, under absolutely no circumstances, is ever allowed to mention a no-hitter in progress, let alone speak to or sit near the pitcher throwing it.
On a similar note, friends of mine may or may not have implied that the Seahawks had the game in the bag halfway through the third quarter of Super Bowl 49. Though I quickly shut down this crazy, reckless conversation with ritualistic Rainier and Skittles consumption and excessive knocking on wood, we all know what happened after that.**
So I should have known better. I played fast and loose and I cost my team. I went against a proven gameplan. I was, in a word, selfish.
To the Seahawks, and all of my fellow 12s, I offer my sincere apologies. I will not make the same mistake again.