IT IS THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR! QUICK! DO THINGS!

As I type this, time is running out. All kinds of time are running out, as this day, by most metrics is already over half over. This day is the most important day of the year. It is your last chance to do not only the things you wanted to do in 2019, but ALL THE THINGS YOU WANTED TO DO IN THE ’10s.

THATS A WHOLE DECADE!

If there is a thing that you wanted to do between the years 2010 and 2019, you must do it now. If you do not do it now, you have failed. You are an inferior person who set unrealistic goals because you are unwilling to admit your own failings. Failings which are clearly vast.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS ARTICLE? STOP! GO JUMP OUT OF A MOUNTAIN OR CLIMB AN AIRPLANE OR TRY A NOVEL OR FINALLY FINISH YOUR STANDUP COMEDY!

There is no time to waste! If you achieve any of these milestones after midnight, they are achievements with caveats. And an achievement with a caveat is not an achievement at all; it is a failure. A source of shame. You only have a few hours left to mark an entire decade as a success.

Make no mistake. There are no mixed bags. There is only a deep, righteous sense of accomplishment, or the withering feeling that your wicked stepmother was right all along.

BUT THERE’S STILL TIME! NOT A LOT, BUT ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT HOW IF YOU WERE BETTER AT TIME MANAGEMENT YOU’D BE A MORE ACCOMPLISHED PERSON.

But no time to meditate on that– oh shit, that’s another thing you were going to try to do, huh? Meditate.

Shucks.

Were you also going to post some sweet year/decade/life-end lists of your favorite things of the last year or ten? Well, we weren’t.

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIR REPORTING, ALL HOW’S YOUR MORALE’S YEAR/DECADE END LISTS WILL BE POSTED IN JANUARY, SINCE WE’RE PROBABLY STILL CATCHING UP ON THE THINGS WE WERE “SUPPOSED” TO CONSUME THIS DECADE

Fair reporting. Yeah, that’s it.

See you in the New Year, kiddos.

 


Also published on Medium.