POWER RANKINGS: HALLOWEEN NON-COSTUMES

Halloween is a weird holiday for me. For half my friends it is hands down their favorite day of the year, surpassing any combination of birthdays, Christmas, or weddings. It is a ritual. Costumes are planned months in advance. Photos are taken, jokes are made, and if all goes well, Halloween is the climactic event of the year, memorable for any number of reasons.

For me, it’s just  a day.

Some years I dress up, many I don’t. Last year I was gifted the idea for a costume from a friend of mine and I went as a Wolfmansplainer. Any time someone asked me what I was I could start my sentence with “WELL ACTUALLY.” I was insufferable and hilarious. In 2013 myself and my girlfriend at the time put on “business-sexy” clothes and went as the Government Slutdown.

Yeah.

I’m that guy.

I’m not dressing up tonight because 1) I didn’t have any good ideas/stuff lying around and 2) I’m working.

For bartenders, Halloween is a blessing and a curse; you can make lots of money if you dress up but you can also end up overheated and clumsy because you decided to affix some Styrofoam monstrosity to your body while trying to do a job that requires lots of maneuvering around other humans and bottles of expensive liquor. As such, I’m going as a “sexy bartender” tonight, given that my bar is running a special, but doesn’t have a “party” of any note going on. My costume requires me to do nothing but lie and maybe suck in my gut.

So. In honor of such an occasion here are the five most powerful non-costumes you can wear on Halloween to avoid admitting you just aren’t into it. Power is determined by predicted reaction, ease of costume, and who the hell cares.

#5: DARKWING DUCK

This is actually a lot of work, especially if you get the duckbill. Plus if you go for complete costume integrity, you will be arrested for indecent exposure. I mainly just want a lot of Darkwing Ducks wandering around because that would amuse me.

Predicted Reaction: “Who?”
Ease of Costume: 1/10. This really doesn’t belong on this list.
Who the Hell Cares: Little Graham. He loved this show!

#4: YOUR FAVORITE PHILOSOPHICAL CONCEPT

OH COOL YOURE THE CAUSAL ADEQUACY PRINCIPAL I CAN TOTALLY TELL BECAUSE OF YOUR GLASSES AND KIND OF GOOFY HAT. HOW SMART OF YOU.

Predicted Reaction: 4/10. It should be a 0/10 but there’s always that one person who will “get” your joke.
Ease of Costume: Fuck you.
Who the Hell Cares: No one! And that’s the problem with our society today. If more people just read and educated themselves we wouldn’t (refrigerator sounds)

#3 SEXY ______ (whatever you already are)______

As noted above, this one is easy. Just don’t dress up, and assert your own sexiness in the context of your age, vocation, or subculture. Do you have a punk rock vibe going on? Voila! You’re a sexy punk. I might wear a shirt with buttons tonight and undo the top one. Or I might wear a t-shirt. Either way I’m a “sexy bartender.”

Predicted Reaction: 5/10. Folks will laugh (or not) and move on.
Ease of Costume: 10/10
Who the Hell Cares: The person you didn’t think liked you, who responds really creepy.

#2 A CAT

Just buy the ears, and maybe a tail. Note: there is no way to dress up as a cat without being a “sexy cat” because cat (or bunny, or mouse, but strangely not dog) ears have been the go to for folks who want to wear less clothes than usual for about 8,892,292 years. No shade, just facts.
Predicted Reaction: Somewhere on the three way spectrum between gross, flattering, and bored.
Ease of Costume: 10/10. There’s a spectral force that manifests cat ears on to people who wish they knew what to dress up as and don’t want to be that guy, IE, me.
Who the Hell Cares: The ones you don’t want to.

#1 A LONGWINDED EXPLANATION OF HOW YOU DON’T DRESS UP BECAUSE

Basically, you could go as this article, but (even) more annoying.
“So like, the thing about Halloween for me is. . .”
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGH

Predicted Reaction: Hope you have health insurance.
Ease of Costume: 10/10. You’re already doing it.
Who The Hell Cares: Kid Rock.

 


Also published on Medium.