THERE ARE FOUR NBA TEAMS IN CALIFORNIA AND THEY ARE DOING STUFF

Guess who’s back. Back again. Lakers back. Tell a friend.

The Lakers are as big a hypebeast as Eminem was in his aughts heyday. If you hadn’t heard, which would be pretty surprising even if you’re not a sports fan, LeBron James is now a Laker, and probably will be for the rest of his career.

Meanwhile, up in the Bay, All-Star center DeMarcus Cousins (an Eminem-like, moody figure himself) has joined the already superteam/dynasty/defending champs Golden State Warriors to create a superduperteam.

In short: Cali basketball is going to be “lit af,” as the kids might say. Even the Kings are getting into it: they drafted #2 overall this year, and it seems they didn’t fuck it up the way they might have, considering their track record. Good job, guys! The Clippers, as always, are going to be who the hell knows and maybe boring. But Lou Williams is there, and he’s dope, and he has two girlfriends.

nobody really cares about the clippers tho

What does this mean for me, as a basketball fan?

All the good games are going to be on when I want to watch! Lakers-Warriors is going to be appointment viewing. So will Warriors-Kings in Sacramento, because Cousins left the lesser NorCal city in ignominious fashion.

here is a picture of kareem abdul-jabbar and eminem from the internet

Also, LeBron will become more famous than he already is. He is one of the public figures who I unequivocally endorse, and I’m glad that he gets to live where he wants full-time, spend more time with his kids, and make gobs of money. He’s an OK-to-good dude, which stands out among his multimillionaire athlete peers (*cough* Tom Brady *cough*).

Buuuuuut he joined the Lakers, which is a real drag. I do not like the Lakers. I do not like them, Sam I am. I will not eat purple and gold eggs and ham. It will be annoying, and unavoidable.

But! I’m also kind of secretly excited about that. Lakers drama is the best basketball drama, maybe the best sports drama period. LeBron is incredibly good at making palace intrigue happen. In Cleveland, he sparred with Dan Gilbert, who is a tone-deaf and altogether inferior opponent. With his move to L.A., LeBron will spar with Magic Johnson, his most worthy in-house frenemy since Pat Riley, when Bron was in Miami. The leaks, the goss, the subtweets: it will be glorious.

here is a picture from the internet of eminem with bleached blond hear pretending he is a member of the detroit pistons at the nba finals in 2005

Also, TBH, I kinda missed the Lakers. Rooting against Kobe was one of my favorite things, ever, in sports fandom. Yet I love Bron almost as much as I loathe Kobe. The feelings will be hard.

Anyway, good job basketball. Your soap has been extended for another three or four seasons, and it’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun. Now the cast and crew are back where they should be.


Also published on Medium.