86 ME PLEASE: HOW TO GET KICKED OUT OF A RESTAURANT LIKE SARAH SANDERS

Have you been kicked out of a bar or restaurant recently? Well, if you haven’t, you aren’t trying hard enough.

The decadent and self-conscious consumption of food is bougie America’s favorite thing to do, so it’s no surprise that famous people have started getting kicked out of restaurants:

So, since getting kicked out of or not served by a restaurant is all the rage, here’s how you can get in on the trend!

How to get 86ed from a restaurant

  • Curse at employees: Super effective, especially if you do it repeatedly, over the course of a few minutes.
  • Curse at customers: Same thing!
  • Take off your clothing: Not, like, your sweater or jacket—this has to be shirt, shoes, pants, etc.
  • Strike an employee: Super effective. Works immediately.
  • Strike a customer: Effectiveness depends on whether or not the other guy was asking for it.
  • Harass a woman employee: Results will vary, because women in the restaurant industry are harassed nearly every day. So really escalate this one if you want to make it work—go straight from talking to grabbing! *Does not apply if you supervise the woman employee in question, because workplace harassment is still something we tolerate on a mass scale as a society!
  • Break something: Depends on degree. If you break a glass, you’re just a lovable klutz like the rest of us. If you break a table, that could be the same thing. Breaking a chair when you sit in it is super embarrassing. But if you break a chair over the back of another patron, well, you might be in luck!
  • Draw a firearm: Effectiveness depends on the state.
  • Be black or brown: This works in at least one Starbucks and Cracker Barrel, and probably more! Isn’t racism fun?

Also published on Medium.